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Satire

George W. Bush Resume

August 10, 2003

Found on the Internet....


GEORGE W. BUSH RESUME

George W. Bush, Leader of the Free World MY PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

Purchased an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. Company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that appropriated land by using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago Cubs.

With father's considerable influence (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS DURING TERM AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in the United States.

Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

Set the record for the most executions by any Governor in U.S. history.

In 2000 Became President of the US after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes. Was able to accomplish this with the help of my brother who was Governor of Florida -- a pivotal state with many voting irregularities that were never accounted for, or explained Further assistance for obtaining Presidency came with the help of my father's appointments of revisionist conservatives to positions in the Supreme Court of the United States during his earlier term as President.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

Attacked and occupied two countries.

Spent a large budget surplus created mostly by a previous Democratic administration, and bankrupted the treasury.

Shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history of the US Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.

Set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.

First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, was faced with the worst security failure in US history.

Set the record for more campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

I've cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any president in US history.

Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.

Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any other president since the advent of television.

Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in US history.

First president to overtly and covertly work against the separation of church and state by supporting the use federal funding for religion-operated schools, religion supported anti-choice counseling clinics, and religion-based Sexual Abstinence presentations in public schools.

Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.

Slashed healthcare benefits for war veterans.

Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me and my policies (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in history of mankind.

Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has a Chevron oil-tanker named after her).

First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.

Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.

I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.

Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget-spending increases, More increases than any president in US history.

First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.

First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.

I have removed many more judicial checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

I Refused to recognize Ecological concerns, or attend a World Wide ecocological Forum on Global warming.

I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war, and by doing that I no longer abided by the Geneva Conventions.

I am the first president in US history to refuse access to United Nations election inspectors (during 2002 US elections) for U.S. elections.

I have undermined the abilities of women in other countries to have personal control of their reproductive capabilities -- by witholding foreign aid to groups providing birth control choices and family planning information.

I complicitly and overtly support anti-choice political groups and fundamentalist Catholic and Protestant Religious groups in order to eventually remove birth control and other family-planning choices and options from all females in the US.

I hold the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations received.

My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.

I was the first president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then blatantly and shamelessly lied saying that the enemy had obtained the code to Air Force 1).

First US president to establish a secret shadow government.

Took the biggest upwelling of world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented and unpopular country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

With a policy of 'dis-engagement' managed to create the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years. First US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations that were bidding for government contracts.

Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.

Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder congresional leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

Failed to conclusively find "Weapons of Mass Destruction" that I claimed would be found in Iraq after our invasion of that country.

In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for US citizens than any other president in US history.

In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the Civil War.

Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category-heading straight down.

RECORDS:

At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine. (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during time of war. (But I was serving as an aide to a congressman at the time!)

Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and are un-available for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.

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