Friday December 03, 2021
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Satire

Law Enforcement

The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all asked to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and material witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they bomb the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD go in. They come out after two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

The Australian Prime Minister hears about this and decides to test Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white rabbit into the forest outside Canberra.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. They examine the issues, particularly cost, and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organisation as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation.

The National Crime Authority couldn't catch the rabbit, but promise that if they are given a budget increase they can recover 90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victorian Police go in. They return after 15 minutes with a koala, a kangaroo, and a tree fern all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits and we had to act in self-defence" is their explanation. And the Victorian Premier holds a barbeque to congratulate them for a fine job well done fighting these "fascists".

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The QLD Police go in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values.

The WA Police go in. They catch the white rabbit, but the rabbit inexplicably hung itself while they momentarily left the room for a cup of coffee. The NT and SA police join forces to beat the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

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